bell hooks says, “without justice there can be no love.” I want to add that without intention, there can be none as well. That’s why I feel that most, not all, successful love stories are those in which the lovers knew each other or were friends for some time before deciding to join in a committed romantic partnership. Chemistry wasn’t built on a quick checklist or immediate gratification. It was built on years of intentional decision-making and long-term mutual respect.
Cathetic/cathexis is the emotional investment into someone else to the point of clinging, sometimes to an unhealthy degree. We see this in crushes, one-sided relationships, abusive relationships, and even in relationships between children to parents.
I want children. When I ask myself “why,” it is because I want to experience and express love in a way that only a father can choose to. I want my heart expanded in a way that only a child can do. I think I can raise (in partnership with my wife) a good human who can, either directly or indirectly, bring joy, peace, and honor to this chaotic world.
I want children, but I don’t yet have the financial standing to provide my children with the childhood I’d like for them to have. Vacations, holiday seasons in which their hard work throughout the year is celebrated with extra giving that I’m able to provide, financial stability in the face of emergencies, etc.
Growing up, my holidays fluctuated when it came to gifts. I was born to two very young parents. I watched them grow in their careers, and their financial situation changed many times throughout my upbringing. Some years we just couldn’t afford it, and others, we could. Because of this, holidays were not about gifts, they were about the act of giving, the act of gratitude, and the act of spending quality time with people you love.
I also want to mature in my response to conflict and frustration, especially when I’m in a position of power. I do not want an authoritarian or fascistic household. Just as I watched my parents’ financial situation fluctuate through the years as they found success and failures in their careers, I also experienced them trying different forms of discipline. Mind you, they were 21 and 22 when they had me. They were young ’90s lovers who were products of their upbringing. Self-reflection was still being planted in their routines as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. They hit me, scolded me, and cursed at me. They also dialogued with me, unpacked my actions through conversation, made me read in order to play outside or play video games, prayed with me, etc. And I’m just one of 3 kids - each of us responding to different forms of discipline differently. It’s been a journey of exploring how to love.
Parents are not always right. I want my household to be one of respect for the experience of elders, but a space where different perspectives can be shared in healthy ways. Parents should show a willingness to reflect on their behavior in front of their children.
I’m so fortunate to have Onyx (my puppy). He’s shown me where I’m at with my relationship to discipline, especially when I’m exhausted. Poor behavior should not be met with physical punishment as a form of discipline. That is toxic to the overall health of our culture, even if people credit it for who they are today. That is a low standard. I think there is more success in redirecting the energy of bad behavior and explaining that whatever is being used to redirect is not a punishment, but rather a moment of pause, reflection, and redirection. This is the father I want to become. This is the man I want to be. This is the way I want to lead.
To love, there must be justice, intention, health, and a desire to always return home.